We are increasingly being asked for help by parents who are deciding to separate and do not know how to communicate this information to their children. Is there a good way to do this? Is it possible to 'get it right' by telling children that their world will now change completely? Regardless of the age of the children, there is no golden mean for this! However, experts reassure us that if the parents are not happy together and living together generates unnecessary tension and arguments, it is definitely better to go for a separation. Remember, however, that parents' divorce should be explained to the children and not just coolly informed.
Separation of parents - how to help your child?
Once the final decision has been made to separate the parents, it is a good idea to sit down together and talk about the children. When parents are unable to talk alone, a psychologist can be used to help both parties reach an agreement. During such a meeting, the most important issues related to children after the parents' divorce should be agreed:
🔷 Where the parents will live
🔷 Childcare rules
🔷 Common educational methods
🔷 Respect for the other parent.
In the case of young children, these issues are best agreed between you already before the meeting. In the case of teenage children, we suggest that a plan be developed, but one that can also take into account the needs expressed by the children.If things are not going well in your relationship, but you have the will within you to fight for the relationship, we invite you to meet a specialist at Kids Medic and refer you to read the article: How do you take care of your relationship with your partner?
Divorce of parents - rules for interviewing a child.
Talking about the separation of parents is one of the most difficult conversations to have with a child. Therefore, it is important to prepare properly and know what to look for when informing your child and the divorce. Below is a list of some of the basic elements to take care of:
Safe place
It is best to choose a place where the child feels safe to talk about the parents' separation.
Ideally, it should be a specific place within the house, such as the child's room. Such conversations usually take a long time and are multi-stage. Children may need to, use the bathroom or will want to close the door and be alone in the room. It is worth thinking about this and giving them the opportunity to do so.
Time
Choose a day off from school and extracurricular activities to talk about the divorce. As you already know, this can be a long discussion and your child may need time to ask. One afternoon is too short. It is important that it is a day when the child or teenager does not have any particular plans, and the parents will certainly be available to him or her to answer any nagging questions and provide the support that is so important to your daughter or son.
Truth
The truth is always the best way out - the environment in which we move is always small. It is definitely best if the child learns the real version from the parents, not from colleagues or well-wishers. When the reason for the parents' separation is a new relationship, this can be mentioned in the next conversation, but don't delay too long, but don't offer this information at the outset either. This is all in order to try to maintain the best possible relationship with each parent after the divorce.
Similar educational methods
Both at the beginning of the parents' separation and afterwards, common sense should be used and issues and decisions regarding the child's upbringing should be agreed together. For example: Do we allow an 8-year-old to go out on the estate alone? Can a 7-year-old play Minecraft every day? Is a teenager's homecoming time the same in both homes?
Even though you have separated, you are still both parents and it is best to agree on parenting issues at the outset and speak with one voice so that the child does not experience two different parenting methods at the same time..
When parents separate, these versions often diverge. Sometimes approaches to bringing up children are the reason for a break-up, but if you cannot agree on this, it is important to seek professional help. The lack of "one voice" can cause a lot of unhappiness and lead to the rebellion of a child from a broken family. As parents, you know very well that the psyche of children is very fragile and you should support your children in building their self-esteem. Divorce does not slow down parents, rather it should motivate them even more to work with their child. So we remind you of the article: On how to foster self-esteem in children.
Keeping children out of adult affairs!
This is the most important of the points, which is why we will write more extensively about it. Separation is a parent's problem and let it remain so. No matter how gently we tell the children about it, it will still be a strong experience for them. There is no way to ease the pain, grief and anger. Every child has to go through this after such information, so let us not add to their worries. Do not blame the children, do not denigrate the other parent! The child's world is still being built, it is made up of two pillars: mum and dad - if possible, let them become, in the child's mind, self-confident adults who handle their own affairs.
Psychological assistance in divorce
Parents, divorce is yours, not your children's. Visits to a child psychologist should not be the first thing promised to a child. Parents are definitely invited to such visits in the first instance; it is with them that we talk about the circumstances of the new reality and help them to put it back together again after the separation. Be careful about making the child associate divorce with the need to go to a specialist.
On the other hand, when your teenager says that he cannot cope on his own, that it is difficult, hard and he needs help - don't wait! The sooner the emotions are named, the easier it will be for the child to cope.
Remember that a separation is difficult for you, but above all it will be difficult for the children. Don't surprise them with the news, don't make hasty decisions, don't move in secretly in front of the other parent, don't involve the children in secrets. Do your best to make this difficult period of your parents' divorce at least a little easier for your children.
Kamila Sobczak - Grzybowska
Child psychologist
