Today, psychologist Adrianna Malik talks about the difficult art of creating and nurturing relationships.
The power of love, or what is love really?
Love, whether happy and reciprocated or not, is probably one of the few constants that unites all generations of humanity. Even art, music, cinema, entertainment or poetry is largely contained in an emotional experience around the experience of love. This does not seem surprising if we consider that the need for closeness and security, to be important and cared for, is one of the basic and most important motives in human life. It is thanks to this inalienable neurophysiological need to bond with others that our species has been able to survive throughout evolution. It seems that in the lives of most of us, there comes a point when we realise that interpersonal relationships, especially the closest and important ones, are the centre of our lives. It is the part that can generate both a lot of support, well-being and security, while at the same time often being the cause of experiencing very difficult emotions and moments of crisis in life.
Sensitivity and intimacy as a strong foundation for a good relationship with your partner
Often our idea of a romantic and idyllic form of love, reinforced by the messages contained in many romantic comedies, reveals itself over time to be inaccurate. It turns out that a relationship between two people involves hard work and effort together, better and worse moments and, at the same time, mutual expectations of the satisfaction of the most important emotional needs. In one of the most popular and frequently screened speeches in the TED TALK series:
Brene Brown shares scientific research and, at the same time, her life story, which demonstrates the importance of being ready to be vulnerable, sensitive and yet authentic in one's relationship with another person, above all with one's partner. It seems important and significant that so many people want to explore the issue of vulnerability so as to increase the quality and their comfort in close relationships.
What is proximity? How do we understand and care for it?
In the most general terms, intimacy is understood as the willingness to identify, share and experience emotions, states and needs in the line of relationship with one's partner. It is the feeling that I can show my partner the full range of my inner experience, even if it is difficult even for me, and that what I bring, communicate and experience will be accepted, listened to and not rejected.
Such conditions provide a safe space for mutual exploration of each other's needs and desires, which gives a sense of unconditional acceptance and emotional intimacy and, as a result, is a strong foundation for a relationship that can survive and withstand crises. It might seem, therefore, that the solution to relationship difficulties with a partner is simple - all that is needed is intimacy. However, it often turns out that there will be factors that hinder and block the readiness to be close.
What can hinder an attitude of closeness in a relationship?
- fear of exposure, of showing one's weaker side
- fear of rejection and evaluation
- fear of abandonment
- difficulty in identifying and understanding one's emotions, experiences and needs
- difficulties in communicating their emotions, experiences and needs
- belief in self-sufficiency, denial of the need for proximity
- the conviction of not being good enough to be loved
- a tendency to be impulsive, acting with a view to a quick positive outcome
- lack of experience of intimacy in relationships at earlier stages of their life and development
- experiences of strong emotional harm in the relationship with the partner(s)
What happens when there is a lack of intimacy in your relationship with your partner?
Mutual feelings of incomprehension, unmet needs, loneliness, abandonment, distance are intensified, which in turn generates growing anger (expressed or not), conflicts, quiet days, inability to "get along" in basic aspects of daily functioning. Quarrels, mutual resentment or the desire to search for a new, "better" relationship begin to emerge. Two people who live together begin to live apart with a sense of profound dissatisfaction with the situation they find themselves in. In addition, such a state of affairs clearly adversely affects the entire family system, if the couple is functioning in such a way.
"What if I have a problem with proximity...?"
Don't be afraid to say this to both yourself and your partner. Often just talking about the fear of intimacy, can be the start of building it. If you recognise in yourself strong and relatively constant over time behaviours that make it difficult to enter into an attitude of closeness especially with your partner, it is worth consulting a specialist - a psychologist or psychotherapist - to understand the source and mechanism of the difficulties that have arisen.
The greater the self-awareness and inner peace, the greater the readiness to create a close, secure relationship with another person.
