Do you often find yourself thinking that your child is doing you a favour? He or she is always trying to do things differently from what you want. Even if you agree on something together, he will try to negotiate it later. It gives the impression that he is constantly testing how far he can still go. And your "pot", which can hold it all, is already full, about to run out and explode. You are familiar with this state?

Two themes come together in the above description. One is about boundaries, the other is about striving for subjectivity, building a kind of independence from the parent. This period is often referred to as the "rebellion of the two-year-old", which I don't like, because in my opinion there is no rebellion, but the child is lost: on the one hand, the brain tells the child to break away from the parent, but on the other hand, the child is still small and doesn't really want to. At this age there are also all sorts of extreme emotions that run through the child...I have mentioned a little about this TU but today not about that, but about respect for the child expressed by treating him or her simply as a human being, with his or her rights and decisions (within the limits of reason, of course). And where are the boundaries in all this? Well, in the fact that respecting a child's boundaries is as important as it is worth talking about and building on from an early age.

"Well, give Grandma a kiss!"

"Do you hug your uncle for a photo? Sit on your aunt's lap. Come on, what are you so embarrassed about?". The subject of child boundaries is close to my heart in the context of the upcoming Christmas. It is a period of increased family gatherings. For children, it involves meeting lots of new people, customs, places, stimuli. It is very important for us to remember the child's perspective during these days; how they may perceive this time. Allowing the child to maintain his boundaries is extremely important if we consider his learning to build and maintain proper, safe relationships. It's worth showing him right now that if he doesn't feel like being intimate with someone, he doesn't have to. Show him that when he says "no" when it comes to his body (hugging, kisses) it will be met with understanding and respect. Counter-intuitively, these now innocent words of "encouragement" to push one's boundaries leave a seed from which later such an inner consent to do something against oneself sprouts and develops, because such are perhaps the expectations of those around him. It is good to teach our children from an early age that it is worth having and respecting their boundaries. This applies to many areas - eating and the famous "one more spoonful for mummy", dressing in clothes that are attractive to us, but not necessarily to the child, and usually no harm will come to anyone if he or she wears a yellow T-shirt instead of a red one) or social situations ("go play with the children and don't get stuck" when the child needs a moment in the safe proximity of the parent in order to adapt). Every crossing of a child's boundary teaches him that it is OK if someone does that to him. Every respect, on the other hand, that it's his right to decide for himself: today whether he's already full or doesn't feel like trying something new, and in a few years' time he'll know that he can confidently say no to a peer when he doesn't feel like doing something.

What about borders?

So does this mean that if a child wants to enter a pedestrian crossing at a red light, we should let them? Where do the boundaries have... boundaries? During my consultations with parents, I often hear the fear that if this happens, the child will 'walk in on us'. On online forums, every now and then, the phrase "stress-free parenting" comes up as the bad one (well, yes, because stressful is best for the child after all?). There is one thing that should always be kept in mind: the boundaries of children are just as important as those of their parents. We are responsible for the safety of our little ones but also for ourselves in terms of wellbeing, rules and decisions. The two are not mutually exclusive! Just like our children, we too have the right to put up a boundary and say, no, we agreed on one candy after lunch and we will stop there today. Or that we agreed to half an hour of stories and that half hour has just passed. Or that no, we will not go to the playground again today. And equally important: I don't agree to you hitting me. Why? Because we are the adults and we know better. We know that an excess of sweets will make your stomach hurt. We see the signs that a child is tired and won't be able to play in the playground today (and it can be difficult for a child to see these signs). What is important is to try to separate your child's boundaries and your own boundaries. In any crisis situation, look at the situation from the side and answer the question: will something actually happen if I let him set a boundary here? Will he starve to death without that one more spoonful of food? And the other way round: what will happen if I don't clearly set the boundary now that I don't want him to beat me?

Those moments when children try to set or push boundaries are usually difficult, especially when the fatigue and lack of patience or resources for translation so often present in parenting comes into play. However, it is worth having the thought that how we treat a child's boundaries now will bear fruit in their adult relationships. On the other hand, the fact that we will also guard our boundaries will give the child a sense of security (and that is what this constant testing of our boundaries is all about) and also show him a model example of how to take care of his boundaries.

About the Author:

Ada Kuźnia-Tkaczyk

Psychologist

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