Does your child make a fuss as soon as he/she leaves the nursery or comes home? How do you cope then?
Autumn has arrived. To some, it is associated with the joy of rustling colourful leaves under their boots, walks in search of chestnuts and the world's official approval to add raspberry juice, lemon and ginger to tea. The other part of the population is experiencing a marked lowering of mood, the lack of sunshine making them depressed. The former will take handfuls of the proverbial Polish golden autumn. The latter will hole up at home with a good book and the intention of surviving this period, which for them is full of grey, cold and damp. Everyone will allow themselves their own reaction and adaptation.
So why is it so difficult for us to understand that children are doing exactly the same thing?
Maybe just involving the body a little more in this. What I mean by this is a process of regulation in which children are experts (as long as the environment is conducive to it and doesn't try to inhibit it), and we could sometimes even learn from them.
Emotions in a child can build up and build up gradually, just like in adults, but they need to get out more quickly. This is why sometimes, with the punctuality of a Swiss watch, we can observe the post-primary "drop", when the child, after leaving the institution (and sometimes still on its threshold) or already at home, makes a total emotional breakdown. He may cry for no apparent reason (and this I assure you, there was one! but it could have been many hours before), he may scream, try to hit or lie down on the ground and not want to move at the same time drenched in tears. It is impossible to soothe him, calm him down, silence him, cuddle him.
What can we do in such a situation?
It is best not to soothe, calm or try to cuddle. Instead, we can listen and accompany. Sure, it is difficult when others are watching. When thoughts of shame arise, of the fear of being judged as a bad mother or of being patched up as a dad who "can't cope". However, it is then worth keeping in mind that what is happening is perfectly natural and, above all, good for the child. After a day in an institution, where he or she has had to comply with certain norms, rules, maybe an unpleasant experience or maybe too much stimulation, the child is just getting it all out of his or her system so that he or she can move on with the day. This is why we often see that after such a situation, the child suddenly, as if nothing had happened, calmly asks if we have something to eat or if we are going to the playground.
So what can we do? Show that we give it the space for this kind of catharsis.
- Ensure the child's safety in this situation so that they do not hurt themselves,
- Stay next to him, close but not imposing cuddling (we can sit next to him and ask from time to time if he wants a cuddle),
- To let him cry; we can even communicate to him that it is ok to cry, that he can, that we will put up with it and there is space here for his emotions, that we are here for him,
- Sometimes it is useful to help name emotions and states: I can see that you are upset, maybe you can tell me later why; you are upset, maybe you are tired; I think maybe you are hungry,
- Patiently and calmly wait.
This is why I mentioned that we could learn this regulation from children. Often we didn't have the space to do this as children, we were told "there's no need to cry for no reason" or that we should just stop immediately and calm down. Unfortunately, difficulties in expressing emotions in adulthood can translate into many areas of life. So, as absurd as it sounds, the world of feelings and relationships would be much simpler if every adult could 'clear' themselves (using other, less spectacular ways) of difficult emotions on such a regular basis (rather than holding them in) and move on with their day, as children do. Then all that's left is the feeling of waking up from a pleasant nap with the thought that everything unpleasant that happened today turned out to be just a bad dream and the world is still wonderful.
About the Author:
Ada Kuźnia-Tkaczyk
Psychologist
