Every parent's dream is a good relationship with your child. Unfortunately, the older the child gets, the more often the good contact weakens, until one day we realise that we don't know anything about the child. In this article we will try to bring the issue of parent-child relations a little closer to you and answer the question "what to do when a child does not want to talk to his/her parents".
Since time immemorial, conversation has been the cornerstone of human relationships. It has been known for a long time that talking to a loved one can work wonders and is often the cure for all evil. All it takes is for someone to listen to us, take their time, pat us on the back, hug us or look at us with understanding, love and acceptance.
Unfortunately, the times we live in - rush, stress, lack of time, electronics - have a disastrous effect on interpersonal relationships. There is also a weakening or complete lack of mutual understanding, support or conversation between parent and child. We are overwhelmed by a sense of powerlessness. We have two choices: either we give up or we fight for our relationship with our growing child.
See how you can help your relationship with your child, what the proven psychologist for children and young peopleand what you can handle on your own. We will also answer questions in the article:
- What can we do to regain contact with our growing child?
- How do we reach him when he stubbornly locks himself in a room, refuses to talk to us or spend time with us?
Building a relationship with a child is a process thatóry has lasted since its birth
In order to know what is going on in our child's life we need to take the time. Not only when we notice relationship problembut above all, to build it from the proverbial 'cradle'.
Why is this so important? Well, let's consider what kind of confidence we will have in our teenagerif we have never discussed important events in our lives together or paid attention to his problems?
We need to realise that at each stage of a child's development, something different is 'the most important thing in the world'. Today it will be the emotions associated with an unpleasant experience on a school trip (a friend laughed at them in front of everyone, embarrassed or ridiculed them). A few years earlier, a problem of vital importance was the question of losing a pebble that had been found on the playground a moment earlier or choosing a hair elastic by oneself. If we decided then that we didn't have the time or inclination to cry and grieve over "some pebble", then today we cannot expect a child to feel the need to talk about current problems.
Give your child space
The child must know that his or her opinion is important, that his or her opinion counts for us. He needs to know that we will always find time to listen to him attentively, with curiosity, without rushing him. Try to understand his point of view. Give him the chance to present his arguments, allow him to have an opinion that differs from yours. Remember that children will have an increasingly strong need for autonomy with every year of their life. They need a zone of privacy and they have every right to it. You as a parent cannot control his every move for the rest of his life. Wanting anything repair in the relationship with the child you have to understand it, and although it's difficult, give it space, trust it.
If the child locks himself in the room, has his secrets and mysteries, doesn't want us to listen to his conversations on the phone - give him what he needs. This is that space, that credit of trust. It will definitely be easier for him to talk to us if he finds in us a friend and not a controller or a spy.
Reaction when a child does not want to talk to parents
What does a parent most often do when the child remains silent? He tries to get them to talk. She pesters, puzzles over breakfast, peeks into his room every half hour. He tries his luck before bedtime, if it doesn't work he tries again in the morning and so on. And the child feels more and more cornered and closes himself off more and more.
The next stage for the parents is frustration and nerves. They push harder and harder, raise their voice. They expect immediate answers: what is going on, why are you sad, why are you silent? Not only does the child not get closer to us, but, worse still, he moves even further away.
Principles to follow when talking to children
- Patient listening
It is important to give the child our full attention and listen patiently to what they have to say. If, as a parent, we are able to wait calmly, the child learns from usthat it is worth giving the other person time to express their thoughts and feelings. - Focusing on the child
Talking to your child should be a moment when we focus only on him. Avoid distracting activities and show that what he or she has to say is important to us.
- Encouraging storytelling
If a child wants to talk a lot, let him do it. He can sort out his thoughts and feelings while talking. - Being a curious interlocutor
Encourage the child to continue the story by asking open-ended questions that stimulate reflection and develop the ability to express thoughts. - Talking about emotions
Name emotions the child may have felt and give them space to express them. It is also a good idea to talk to your child about other people's emotions. This will help him or her to understand that different people can feel different emotions. - Use of JA messages
Use I-messages when talking to your child. We express our feelings and concerns in this way. For example: "I am concerned about your low grades, because I am worried about your progress at school". In this way, we show the child that our words flow from heartfelt concern and empathy.
What should you not do when talking to your child?
1. do something else
If you ask your child why he or she is sad or what happened at school, and at the same time your gaze is fixed on the computer screen and you have your mobile phone to your ear, do not expect him or her to answer you. He will feel unimportant, murmur something offhandedly and then retire to his room, reliving his problems in solitude.
2. don't 'mug' him as soon as he arrives from school/ kindergarten
Children are then over-stimulated, overwhelmed by stimuli, sometimes hungry and just plain tired. Give them space to rest and have a meal.
Do something together e.g. make sandwiches, go for a walk, tell him/her what happened at your place. Show your child that you sometimes have difficult situations too, that you were pissed off in the car park or that a colleague at work let you down. Talk about emotions honestly both good and bad. When you have been together for a while, say that you have a feeling that something is bothering them, gently ask if they are ok.
3. Don't forbid your child to feel bad emotions
Don't use phrases: don't worry, it's not a big deal, it's not worth getting angry about... it can make you the child will be ashamed of these emotions and hide them. Instead, let your child know that he or she has the right to feel bad, unfair, may have feelings of guilt, regret, sadness..... He or she will also have these emotions in his or her life, not only the beautiful and positive ones. Although as parents we would very much like it to be different.
4. try not to lecture, not to rush. and certainly not to judge
In order for your child to want to talk to you honestly about difficult things you must have their trust. You will never achieve this without TIME devoted to your child. You need to know that You build your child's confidence over years.
The time you give him and your attention is the best thing you can give him. The words "trust me, you can tell me anything" mean nothing if you have not built up in your child the feeling that he is important to you, that you are on his side and that you will not judge him but will always support him.
When a child is reluctant to talk to their parents, and the background may be serious problems
Children are emotionally less stable than just a few years ago. They experience problems, failures and worries deeply and strongly. The virtual world distorts their reality. They do not always understand that real life is not as colourful, easy and rich as the screen portrays it. Family - it used to be the most important thing, the bonds with parents, siblings and grandparents were strong. Nowadays, it is rare to find families who spend time together, eat meals together, talk to each other, respect, love and support each other.
The family is no longer as supportive as it used to be. A child who is depressed often avoids contact with his parents and escapes into the world of computer games. It can also be the world of social media or the world of new company that impresses him. So what can you do if, despite your best efforts child does not want to talk to parents?
1. Go to a psychologist or psychotherapist for parenting advice/consultation
The therapist has a different perspective and can explain or advise a lot. The therapist helps the parent to understand what the child may be struggling with, to help name and sort out these difficulties. Such a meeting can also help the parent understand how to react in difficult situations and how to deal with their own emotions.
2. offer your child support
Visit to a psychologist or child psychotherapist can be helpful. Remember to reassure your child that it is not a shame to reach out for help. Give examples of when you yourself have used it. Just as we heal our body, we sometimes need to heal our soul too.
Sometimes it is easier to confide in a stranger than in those closest to you. A therapist can help you plan activities to get your relationship back on track. He or she can give you suggestions for solving the problem or suggest individual or group therapy. Social skills training often helps children to open up not only to relationships with other children, but also to relationships with their parents. In the classes, children learn the art of dialogue and, in appropriately matched age groups, practice translating their emotions into words and good relationships.
3. talk to your child's friend
Perhaps he also sees a problem and wants to help, but doesn't know how. Together, you may be able to break down the wall that has kept you apart.
What can result from not talking to your child?
A lack of honest conversation can result in dangerous and irresponsible behaviour on the part of the child. These can be trouble at school or in a peer group, or even crime or running away from home. These are the consequences of a lack of parental attention, an unmet need to be important, accepted and loved.
Let us also remember that conversation, although it should take place every day, does not always have to be about serious, difficult issues. It should be a natural part of everyday family life. In this way, the child will want to talk about favourite clothes, friends, games, but also about problems or difficult situations that have happened to him or her. In a pleasant family atmosphere, in a place where they feel safe, it will be easier for them to start a difficult dialogue.
Time and conversation the best gift you can give your child
Through conversations we develop relationships, build trust and get to know each other. We understand his/her views, thoughts and feelings and, most importantly, we influence the formation of his/her personality and social skills. The issue of constant variability during adolescence is fascinating.
Needs, concerns and topics of conversation change. The older the child gets, the more he emphasises his independence and marks his individuality. Let's allow him to do this. Let's accept this natural stage of his development, let's stop controlling. But let us never allow a lack of conversation. Giving time, attention and empathy helps to relieve tensions, express oneself and build the child's self-esteem. It also communicates to him: "I am important, accepted".
Conversations have a magical power, they build and deepen the a sense of connection with parentsThey unite, integrate the family. As parents, let's not barrage the child with messages, resentments, words. Remember that the basis of a good conversation is attentive listening. Sometimes, in order to get your child to talk to you, all you have to do is give him or her a chance to speak, your time. Give him or her yourself.
