When it starts separation anxiety child parents are often surprised. Their hitherto sociable toddler loved to accost the neighbours in the lift, the saleswomen in the shop, passers-by during walks. He was delightfully handing out smiles left and right and suddenly the day came when everything changed.
Now the child cautiously observes every stranger, clasps his hands more tightly in his mother's when someone approaches him, looks around distrustfully in new places and still needs to make eye contact with his parent. He reacts with panic and hysteria when his mother disappears from his sight and locks himself in the toilet for three seconds. Sound scary? Or perhaps familiar?
I have three pieces of news for you and each of them is good. Firstly, there is is a natural process in a child's emotional development. Secondly, you are not alone - most children go through this stage with more or less intensity. And thirdly, but also most importantly, it will not last forever.
What is separation anxiety?
In a typical development infants and young children, separation anxiety is a natural phenomenon and appears between 5 and 8 months of age. However, it disappears around the age of 18 months, when children have developed a sense of security.
Separation anxiety involves feeling anxious when separated from a person to whom you are strongly attached. Most children feel sadness about being separated from their mum, dad, siblings or another person with whom they have a strong attachment.
Note: For the child, separation is when the carer goes into another room or someone else takes the child. However, over time children acquire the ability to cope with longing behind the guardian.
Between 5 and 8 months of age, they begin to understand that objects and people still exist, even though they cannot be seen at the moment. This stage in cognitive development is insanely important for a child's healthy development. Infants realise that their parent is not there, or rather - is there, but not here. He or she has gone somewhere and will come back at some point, and the child wants this closest person to be with him or her now, in this moment.
As awareness grows that people are divided into strangers and those closest to them, infants begin to prefer their primary carers, leading to anxiety when these disappear from their sight.
How is separation anxiety most commonly manifested in normal child development?
Separation anxiety as a normal, typical phenomenon is most often observed between 5 and 8 months of age. The child is already able to recognise the people in his or her immediate environment and their presence is important to him or her. The older and bigger the children get, the more curious they become about their surroundings. At the same time, this curiosity about the world is accompanied by a fear of being away from the carer. Beloved people and familiar places are a source of comfort and security for toddlers. Dealing with the anxiety that comes from not having a loved one present is very difficult because children do not yet have the ability to manage and regulate their own emotions.
Children form strong emotional relationships with people who give them safety and security. In the event of even a temporary separation, a child may feel anxious because their safe haven is temporarily unavailable. This is very an important part of a child's emotional development.
In infancy, separation anxiety can manifest as:
- Crying when trying to hand the child over to another person,
- Looking into the eyes, turning the head and reaching out towards a loved one with whom the child does not want to part,
- Lack of ability to calm down in front of someone other than mum, for example,
- Inability to fall asleep when the person is not around.
All the situations mentioned are natural stages in the child's development. The situation usually only changes when the child understands that a loved one will return, even if they are not with the child at the moment.
How does emotional development occur in a child up to the age of 3?
0-2 months
Toddler reacts mainly to mother's voice, smell and touch. Cannot yet see and recognise faces well. An endogenous smile may appear, independent of external stimuli, unconscious.
2-4 months
It appears social smile - it is a reaction, a joy to familiar faces, usually the face of mum, dad or siblings. The baby is already able to focus his eyes if something interests him and he also starts to chatter. There is no crying yet at the sight of strangers, sometimes there is even a smile in reciprocation of another person's smile.
approx. 6th-8th month
It appears separation anxiety childbut beware! not with everyone. The child begins to distinguish between familiar people and strangers, and often reacts by crying to people to whom he or she has hitherto reacted with a smile or indifference. The reaction can be crying, fear, screaming. His social and emotional awareness is maturing.
1-3 years
The child understands more and more, already recognises family members, friends, acquaintances further afield. Remember that children like routine, so a change in the rhythm of the day or the location can make him suspicious and anxiety. Children at this age can become very stressed if, for example, they are picked up from kindergarten by their grandmother and the child was not told about this. Even if the grandmother is known to the child and beloved, if they are always picked up by the mother, the child may feel uncomfortable. Then, instead of joy at the surprise, there will be crying.
4 years and over
Separation anxiety, which can cause behavioural changes such as tantrums and crying. There may also be a child's preoccupation with the possibility of losing a parent or other loved one, such as in an accident. There are children who have nightmares about separation from their loved one. A reluctance to go out to kindergarten, school or the playground because of separation anxiety. Very often older children do not want to sleep without the person in their bed.
When does separation anxiety in children pass?
Most noticeable symptoms of separation anxiety most often occur until around 12 months of age. After this time, they usually gradually weaken as the child acquires a greater sense of independence and learns that periods when a loved one is not around are temporary.
At 3 years of age, separation anxiety is usually already at a very limited level.
What can a parent do to help their child cope with separation anxiety?
- Start by leaving the child in the care of someone the child knows and likes for a short time, then gradually increase the length of your absence.
- The rhythm of the day, that is building the habit of parting with the toddler at the same time of day, may prove helpful.
- Don't leave separation from your child to the last minute. If, for example, you are planning to return to work or go away, leave your child in the care of other (trusted) people beforehand. In this way, you will both gradually get used to being separated for longer than a few minutes.
- Keep the goodbye time to a total minimum. Even if the baby is crying - don't prolong the moment so the toddler doesn't focus on the fact that you are leaving.
- Be positive and smile. Even if you are very stressed and worried, don't show it to your child so that they don't associate your separation with something bad.
- To increase the chances of a positive separation, try to plan everything so that your child is full and sleepy and busy with an activity they enjoy, such as stacking blocks. This will increase the chances of a separation without crying.
- Avoid separation when tired, hungry or ill.
With pre-school children, you can specify a time when you will meet again, such as after nap time or after dinner, but you must always keep your word so as not to disappoint his trust.
A child's separation anxiety can disrupt the functioning of the whole family
In the case of very severe separation anxiety, the life of the whole family is turned on its head. Suddenly all daily activities become a nightmare for you. Walks end in tears because a stranger looks in the pram, shopping is a challenge because strangers talk over the child, and visiting the grandparents is not easy either.
In extreme cases the child does not allow himself to be picked up even by his fatherOnly the mother is allowed in. On the one hand, we want to avoid crying and spare the child the nerves, on the other hand we want to leave the house for a while or simply take a shower. One carer is exhausted and tired, the other feels rejected, powerless, because he wants to help but cannot - and the circle closes. And although there may be stress and fear in you about leaving your toddler with another person, you need to know that avoiding separation is not a good solution!
Get your emotions under control
Children feel and pick up on their parents' emotions intensely. If you are worried about how your toddler will react to being separated from you, you may unknowingly be exacerbating their stress. Work through your emotions, talk to your partner, mum or a friend.
And if you still find it hard to find the strength within yourself, it is worth going to a specialist like psychologist. In Warsaw you can go to one of our facilities.
A psychologist who specialises in parenting problems will help you to go through the process gradually. If you approach the break-up with calmness and confidence that you will succeed, you will positively influence the child's emotions.
When is separation anxiety in a child considered a disorder?
Despite the fact that the child's separation anxiety is typical in development, sometimes becoming excessively strong or lasting much longer. Sometimes it adversely affects the functioning of the child and the family and, in some cases, can lead to a significant reluctance to leave home.
If the severity of separation anxiety is excessive and not age-appropriate, we consider it to be a type of mental health disorder for which it is worth seeking specialist help.
- Separation anxiety can be considered a disorder above all if the associated symptoms are very severe and persist in the child in a pronounced form at an age when they are usually already weakening.
- Separation anxiety can be diagnosed as a disorderif the symptoms have been present for at least four weeks and have a significant negative impact on the child's functioning in important areas, such as schooling and social participation.
Respect his/her boundaries
Fear of strangers is a natural stage and a sign of normal emotional development. Children need to be given time to build a sense of security in relationships. Not all behaviour has to be a result of the fact that the child is shy. Therefore, never force a child to 'go' to someone else's arms. Even if it is a grandparent who loves the child very much and is sorry that he cannot take his grandchild in his arms. TRUTH! Somehow he will have to live through it.
It is better to explain that this is a natural stage in the child's development than to lose the child's trust and forcefully push him or her into someone else's arms. Remember: whatever the age - never and under no circumstances - force or shame a child.
