Relationships with peers are one of the most important, but also the most difficult, lessons in life for a child. Although we often think of them in terms of character, psychology makes it clear: social competence is a skill, not an innate talent.
As parents, we have a real influence on how our child will cope in a group, how they will survive their first conflict and whether they dare to initiate play. In the following article as child psychologist I explain how social development takes place, why some children need more support in this process and when it is worth considering social skills training (TUS).
How do social competences develop in children?
March is the time when children naturally go „outside”. More play together, more contact, more social situations. For some, this is an exciting moment of relationship building. For others children - a source of tension, conflict and withdrawal.
Parents often ask:
- „Will it pass?”
- „Is my child just shy?”
- „Why is it so difficult for him to get along with his peers?”
It is worth knowing that emotional and social competence is not an innate quality nor a „talent for people”. It is a set of specific skills that develop gradually and, most importantly, can be consciously fostered.
What are social competences?
Social competence is the ability to function adequately in relationships with others, both peers and adults. They include, but are not limited to:
- understanding one's own and others' emotions,
- regulation of emotions (e.g. anger management),
- initiating and maintaining contact,
- communication of needs,
- Cooperation,
- responding to conflict,
- taking the other person's perspective.
A child can be cognitively very intelligent and yet have difficulties in the social area. These are two separate developmental systems.
Why is it harder for some children to relate?
Relationship difficulties in children may be due to various factors:
- delayed emotional maturity,
- high sensory sensitivity,
- difficulties in voltage regulation,
- rejection experiences,
- temperament (e.g. behavioural inhibition),
- neurodiversity (e.g. autism spectrum disorder, ADHD).
In clinical practice, we often observe children who:
- are unable to join in the fun,
- react with anger to losing,
- withdraw in group situations,
- dominate or control others,
- do not read social signals.
It is not a question of „bad parenting” or that the the child is aggressive. This is information that it needs support in learning specific strategies.
Is the child growing out of social difficulties?
Some of the difficulties may indeed decrease with age. However, lack of support in the social area can lead to consequences such as:
- reduced self-esteem in children,
- increasing social isolation,
- secondary emotional problems,
- established response patterns (e.g. aggression as a coping strategy).
The earlier a child learns to recognise emotions, communicate needs and resolve conflicts, the better the chance of building safe relationships in the future.
How do children's social skills develop?
Children's social development proceeds in stages.
At pre-school age, the child learns:
- waiting their turn,
- sharing,
- recognising basic emotions,
- understanding of simple social rules.
At younger school age it comes to:
- the ability to take the perspective of others,
- more complex regulation of emotions,
- understanding of group norms,
- building friendships based on reciprocity.
If any of these stages are not sufficiently established, the child may experience difficulties in subsequent developmental phases.
How can parents support the development of social skills?
Building social skills does not have to be difficult - it is often based on small gestures and a change of perspective in everyday situations. As parents, we have a huge influence on how our child will deal with emotions and interactions with peers. You can help him or her by:
- Modelling behaviour - children learn by observation.
- Naming emotionsi - „I can see that you are disappointed”, instead of „Don't exaggerate”.
- Practising „dry” social situations” - role play, discussion of possible reactions.
- Reinforcing attempts, not just effects - notice the effort put into the relationship.
- Creating a safe environment for social experimentation - small groups, predictable environment.
However, home is not always enough. The child needs a real group experience. With peers, in a controlled setting, with adult moderation.
Why is group work so effective?
Social skills cannot be taught through conversation alone. They require practice. This can be helped by, for example. Social skills training.
Group therapy for children provides the opportunity to:
- to train responses in a safe environment,
- receiving feedback,
- observing other children,
- learning to be flexible,
- experiencing success in a relationship.
It is the repetition and structure that makes new strategies take hold.
Spring as a good time for change
March is a symbolic time of „opening up”. Many children begin to experience social difficulties more clearly in the second school term. There is a growing conflicts in the classroom, there are changes in peer groups, the demands of the environment are increasing. This is a good time not to wait „for it to pass on its own”, but to look at what the child really needs.
If you notice that relationships are a source of tension, withdrawal or frequent conflict for your child, it is worth consulting a specialist and considering a form of support aimed at development of social skills. Particularly in a group work formula that allows skills to be trained in a natural peer context.
Monika Maćkowska
Child psychologist
Photo source: Freepik.com
