Parent facing crisis
Self-harm in adolescents is one of those subjects that parents never want to touch, and when they do have to - they often feel that the ground is being removed from under their feet. The discovery of wounds or cut marks arouses horror, anger, guilt and confusion. Questions arise in their minds that cannot be answered immediately: "Why?", "Is it my fault?", "How to stop it?", "Will it happen again?", "What to do?", as well as "How to respond to self-harm?„.
Meanwhile, the first important thought is: self-harm is not an attempt to draw attention to oneself. It is a way of regulating mental tension that has become too strong, too chaotic or too painful for the young person to bear otherwise.
Self-harm - causes
Teenagers who self-mutilate are most often trying to cope with their emotionswhich he does not know how to name. Physical pain brings him a moment's relief as his body responds with a release of endorphins.
This is not a desire to do 'something bad', but a desperate attempt to deal with inner pain.
By the time a parent becomes aware of a problem, there have often been signals for weeks or months that are difficult to piece together: withdrawal, irritability, mood swings, reduced concentration, avoidance of contact, covering of the body.
In practice, it is not uncommon for teachers to be the first to notice a subtle change in behaviour - a signal that something emotionally difficult is happening. Parents usually only see the effect - the point at which the tension is no longer 'inside'.
The first conversation, or how to respond to self-harm
A conversation with a child at such a time should not start with the question, "why did you do that?". The adolescent brain in a moment of crisis operates in alarm mode. Emotions dominate and logical thinking is impaired. Therefore, the child really does not know the answer the parent so badly wants.
The most important thing is to be present, calm and non-judgmental. A simple phrase: "I can see that you are having a very difficult time. I am there for you" gives the young person more than the most detailed analysis of the situation. What a teenager needs is not an interrogator, but an adult who can to bear the child's emotions and create a safe space for conversation.
Reactions thatóre hurt
The natural emotions of a parent - fear, anger, shock - can be very intense in the first moment. This is understandable. However, it is important not to let them drive the first reaction. Shouting, moralising, scaring, blaming the child or yourself, demanding promises or belittling the problem do not bring relief.
Instead, they increase shame, and it is shame that is one of the main forces driving the self-harm. Teenager doesn't need more pressure... he needs a relationship where he can feel safe.
When is it advisable to use a specialist?
Once the initial emotions have subsided, it is worth considering the support of a specialist such as -. psychologist or psychotherapist. Not because 'it is very bad', but because it is difficult. Self-harm is not a behaviour that disappears by itself. It is most often the result of emotional overload, lack of coping tools and problems that need to be worked through in a safe therapeutic setting.
A psychologist will help the young person understand what is really going on inside, teach the regulation of emotions, recognising overload signals and other ways of dealing with tension.
It is worth seeking help both if the behaviour persists and if the child withdraws from life, loses motivation, becomes dim-witted or the parent feels that emotionally he or she can no longer cope on his or her own. Professional support can stop a deepening crisis and restore a sense of influence.
The road to róemotional balance
Recovery from self-harm is a processand not a one-off decision. It rarely follows a linear course - there are times when the child reverts to old reactions.
Although such a relapse is fearful, it is not proof that help is not working. It is a signal that emotions have again become difficult to bear and need to be taken care of. The most important thing then is the same as at the beginning: calmness, presence and conversation without pressure.
Over time, the teenager learns to understand his emotions, to talk about them and to regulate them more gently. He also learns that an adult is someone who does not judge, but accompanies.
Self-harm defines neither the child nor the family. It is an indication that the young person has found himself or herself emotionally overloaded beyond his or her capacity. In such a situation, what is needed is not condemnation, but support, understanding and professional assistance psychologist. A parent does not need to have all the answers. All that is needed is a willingness to be alongside and trust the therapy process.
Photo source: Freepik.com
Monika Maćkowska
Child psychologist
Specialisation: clinical psychology
