Divorce and children - is one of the most difficult questions parents face. Separation is never easy, and the decision to stay in a relationship solely for the child often carries a huge emotional burden. As child psychologist in the office, I often hear the question "won't it hurt him?" more often than any other. And while there is no one-size-fits-all answer, we really do know a lot about how children react to tensions in the home, separations and parental relationships.
What a child needs most... is a sense of security
A child's most important need, whatever their age, is emotional stability. This does not mean a perfectly calm home, without arguments or difficult days. Instead, it means a sense that the adult world is predictable and that parents are able to regulate emotions enough to avoid overloading the child with tension.
If there is coldness in the home on a day-to-day basis, constant conflict, quiet days or tension to the point of being "cut with a knife", the child picks it up quicker than parents think. Chronic family stress has a greater impact on a child's emotional development than the separation of parents alone. The child does not need to hear an argument. It is enough that he or she senses an atmosphere where there is no room for warmth and peace.
Staying together does not always protect
The myth of "for the sake of the child we should stay together" in many families acts as a burden that keeps everyone in place. Although it flows from concern, it often fails to take into account how children really function.
Children learn relationships by watching adults. If they see disrespect, self avoidance, inability to talk, passive aggression, jokes laced with irony or outbursts of anger - They begin to treat this as the norm. In the future, they carry these patterns into their relationships or parental roles. In such situations, staying together is not the 'lesser of two evils', but perpetuates an environment in which the child cannot fully develop.
Separation also brings difficulties
Separation in itself does not hurt the child. It harms the way in which it occurs. The most debilitating for children are:
- protracted conflicts between parents,
- involving the child in disputes,
- blaming the other parent,
- competition for a 'better image',
- lack of a stable framework for the new situation.
A completely different look divorce of parentswhich takes place in an atmosphere of respect, conversation and cooperation. A child may feel sadness, longing or confusion. This is natural. But if the parents can get along with each other, they clearly communicate the changes and take care of their own mental balance, the child regains a sense of security faster than many adults assume.
It is not about whether the parents are together, but HOW they are together
The most supportive environment for the child is that of the parents:
- are able to talk without attacking each other,
- take care of their own emotional stability,
- show a minimum of respect for each other,
- separate partner conflict from being a parent.
It happens that after a separation, parents succeed better than during the relationship. It also happens that the couple rebuilds the relationship through therapy and thus supports the child more than ever. There is no single scenario.
How do you recognise that the current situation is harming your child?
A few signals are worth looking at:
- the child becomes isolated or is constantly tense,
- abdominal pain, headaches, tics or sleep problems occur,
- the child becomes the 'little adult' who comforts the parent,
- avoids home or does not want to stay with one parent,
- reacts fearfully to raised voices.
These are signals that the atmosphere at home exceeds his ability to regulate his emotions.
Divorce and children - the need for emotional peace
Whatever the decision, stay or split - one thing is key: a parent who is able to take care of themselves. A child does not need perfect parents. He needs parents who understand his own emotions, take responsibility for his reactions and are able to create a space where he feels safe.
When we feel that the situation is beyond us and we need support - it is worth turning to a specialist. We don't have to start therapy, it can be support in crisis situations such as a break-up or divorce of parents.
Monika Maćkowska
Clinical psychologist
Photo source: Freepik.com
