Your child beats, shouts, throws objects and you feel like you are losing control? Or maybe the thought „he's exploding with anger about everything” or „after all, this wasn't there before” is becoming more and more frequent. And right behind it the question that is difficult to say out loud: „am I doing something wrong?” Are children today more aggressive than they used to be?
Stop for a moment. What you see as „aggression” is very often not defiance, malice or „bad parenting”. It is a message, only written in a language that the child cannot yet translate into words. Behind every hitting, shouting or violent reaction there is something more: tension, frustration, helplessness or emotions child, which are simply too big to carry.
Therefore, instead of asking „how do I stop it?”, it is worth starting with another question: what is my child trying to tell me in this way?
Child aggression is rarely a problem in itself
Working as a child psychologist in Warsaw I have noticed that aggression in children is very rarely a problem in itself. In the vast majority of cases it is a form of communication. It is a signal that the child is confronted with something that he or she cannot yet understand, name or express in a socially acceptable way.
Aggressive behaviour in the child, hitting, pushing, shouting or reacting violently - usually occur in moments of overload. They can be a response to frustration, a sense of lack of influence, a misunderstanding of the situation or a difficulty in dealing with one's own tension. In this view, aggression is not a „bad choice”, but a the most accessible regulatory strategy a child has at any given time.
Why won't the child say directly what they are feeling?
From an emotional development perspective, it is crucial to level of self-regulation. Child is only just learning to recognise his inner states, name them and respond to them appropriately. If these skills are not yet in place or insufficiently developed, impulsive action occurs. The reaction is quick, often intense, but it brings temporary relief and is therefore easily perpetuated.
An important element is also ability to understand social situations. Children, who have difficulty reading the intentions of others, interpreting behaviour or predicting consequences, are more likely to react impulsively. They lack the „pause” between stimulus and response, and it is this space that allows them to choose a more appropriate action.
Are children more aggressive today?
This is a question I hear often from parents, teachers, sometimes from the daycare providers themselves. And I understand where it comes from, because the feeling that such behaviour is more prevalent than it used to be. It's just that the answer is not as simple as „yes” or „no”.
Children are no worse off. They are not more aggressive by nature. Instead, they are overloaded, and this overload is qualitatively different today than it was just a decade or so ago. More stimuli, a faster pace of life, the ubiquity of screens, less space for a quiet, unstructured childhood, all these things have a real impact on the nervous system.
On top of that, there is something that is rarely talked about: children feel the tension of adults very strongly and react to it with their behaviour. If the adults around them are overstressed, the children feel it too, they just don't have the words to say it, so they react to it with their behaviour. At the same time, they have less and less space to experience and regulate their emotions calmly.
All this does not mean that children are „worse”. It means they have more to bear and their regulatory skills are just developing.
What is really behind children's aggressive behaviour?
If we look at aggression functionally, it is most often followed by messages such as:
- „It's too difficult for me”.”
- „I have no control over it”.”
- „I feel insecure or threatened”.”
- „I don't understand this situation”.”
- „I don't know how else to react”.”
Children are rarely able to say this directly. Instead of words there is aggressive behaviour - intense, often difficult for those around them, but from the child's perspective performing a specific regulatory function.
How to respond to an aggressive child?
Emotion regulation does not develop in a vacuum, it develops in a relationship. It is in contact with an adult who can be calm when the child is not calm the child learns to recognise tension, name emotions and gradually regain control.
The way the environment responds is crucial. If the adult responds impulsively, with a raised voice or only through consequences, the child is not supported in learning to regulate. In contrast, complete suppression of emotions does not provide the space to understand and process them.
Therefore, working with an aggressive child is not just about stopping the behaviour, but about expanding his or her repertoire of responses. It becomes crucial to develop skills that will allow the child to function in a more adaptive way - recognising emotions, regulating arousal, communicating needs and dealing with social situations. For more on what such work looks like in practice, see the article Understanding the aggressive child - therapy that goes deeper than punishment.
When is it a good idea to reach out for specialist support?
Not every aggressive behaviour of the child requires immediate professional intervention. But there are signals that are worth taking seriously: behaviour that escalates instead of dying down, outbursts out of proportion to the situation, difficulties in relationships with peers or aggression occurring in many different contexts at the same time.
In such cases, it is particularly helpful to Social Skills Training, which gives the child the opportunity to learn through experience. In a safe group environment, the child practices new ways of responding, learns to understand others' perspectives and gradually builds more control over his or her behaviour.
In children whose aggression is more persistent or recurrent, it makes sense to include more targeted interventions, such as Aggression Replacement Training. The work here ranges from anger control to developing social competence and understanding the consequences of one's own actions, allowing for a real change in the pattern of reaction.
If you don't know where to start, the first step may be to psychological consultation, to assess the situation without pressure and plan further action.
Aggression passes when the child is given the right tools
Working with aggression is a process, not a quick fix. Group therapy or this individual therapy is a gradual teaching the child new ways of dealing with emotions and social situations. When conducted well, it gives much more than a temporary tranquillity - it gives a real change in functioning.
Because when a child is given tools they didn't have before, aggression is no longer necessary.
Monika Maćkowska
Child psychologist
Photo source: magnific.com
