Arguments between siblings, or how to deal with children's emotions? Advice for parents.

My children are fighting! - You can go mad, you can fight it, but you can also... accept it.

Quarrels between siblings are so common and so well known to all parents that they do not need to be depicted. This common phenomenon has several causes, which I will present to you in the following text. The important thing to remember is that quarrels between siblings are perfectly normal and are an important part of childhood. First and foremost - to quote Janusz Korczak: "There are no children, there are people". - and people argue. And although children's quarrels spend our sleepless nights and drive us crazy, you must know that they are inevitable.

Quarrels in children are often due to poor communication skills. Dialogue and negotiation are an art that our children need to learn in order to cope with social life both at the childhood stage and in adulthood.

If a child feels wronged, he or she may direct their difficult emotions in the form of jealousy and anger against a brother or sister. In addition, an argument may be an attempt to rebound from failures or disappointments at school. Another reason lies in the personality of the sibling - differences in character can give parents a hard time.

Quarrels are inevitable. However, it is worth learning how to deal with them and, as a parent, become a mediator in your children's disputes.

The role of the parent is not to prevent arguments, but to act wisely.

As a mediator ALWAYS listen to what the children have to say. Prepare the right ground for the conversation. You may want to take a few deep breaths at the outset, use a relaxation technique to cool down the emotions a little.

Of course, it may be that, despite your best intentions, you are not able to keep calm yourself and teach your child how to handle stressful situations. Then you can enrol your child in Social skills trainingwhich will help him or her to resolve contentious situations in a wise and calm manner. If your child reacts with aggression in emotional moments, it will be most effective to Aggression Replacement Training.

How to respond when children fight?

Above all, remain calm. If you add fuel to the fire with your emotions, you will only make matters worse. Remember that children are listening to what you say, but above all they are watching you and your emotions. So if they see your calmness, it will be easier for them to control their anger and move on to negotiations and conversation. It is important to show children, how to resolve conflicts constructively.

Here are some tips on how to cope when they occur quarrels between siblings:

• Let each child tell his/her version of the event. Don't interrupt, don't judge, don't criticise.
• Help each party name the emotionthat they are experiencing. It is important for the child to notice that the other person may be experiencing sadness, anxiety, insecurity. Help them to see that underneath the anger there may be just these difficult, unsatisfied emotions that need an outlet.
• Don't compare children - e.g. "Can't you just be like your sister for once...".
• Do not point the finger of blame. Don't step into the role of judge. Don't ask who started it or what it was about. Don't get drawn into the conflict.
• Don't embarrass your child - e.g. "You're behaving like a snot!"
• Don't humiliate, don't overdo it.
• Don't stick labels - e.g. "Who would put up with such a mess!".
• Do not use quantifiers - e.g. "And you are ALWAYS hooking her, and you NEVER give way to her...".
• Do not make the child feel guilty - e.g. "You drive me to the grave with these arguments...".

The best way to resolve conflict between children is to talk, build bonds and interact with each other.

Be a parent who takes a constructive approach to resolving difficulties and promotes a system of conflict resolution based on compromise and win-win solutions. Remember that every child is unique and every child has different emotional and social needs and problems. Parenting methods that work for one child may have the opposite effect for another child. Children and their minds are so complex that sometimes what worked one day will be ineffective another day. That is why observation, conversation and bonding with your child are the only and right weapons in the fight against arguments.

Parents should support children in learning how to resolve conflicts in a constructive manner. It is important that the child knows how to avoid unnecessary arguments and, when they do occur, that they know how to manage their emotions and arguments. It can also be helpful to teach children how to avoid conflicts by understanding the reasons why they arise.

The solution to quarrels between siblings

Love your child as he or she needs it

For those wishing to explore the topic further resolving quarrels between siblings I recommend the book by A. Faber & E. Mazlish 'Siblings without rivalry'.

And if quarrels between siblings are getting stronger, more frequent and out of control, and you are running out of ideas on how to calm the storm, contact a child psychologist or therapist who will support you and help you find a effective strategies to address the problem. Sometimes it is better to Social skills training. It is great fun in a workshop format, in a peer group, and the effects are quick and lasting 🙂 .

Growing up nowadays is insanely difficult, with children surrounded by electronics, social media, losing social skills and failing to cope with increasing anxiety and stress. Be a refuge and a signpost for your child, help him or her to find peace and a childlike joie de vivre..